Codes of Conduct Do Not Cause Rape

I just waded through a few articles on rape at Christendom College. Perhaps you’ve seen them? I’m not going to post most of them because I thought they were lame. I am truly sorry for the victims, but it seemed a little ridiculous of the authors to blame the strict moral codes of Christendom for the rapes. They pointed a whole lot of fingers but missed the BIGGEST failure that should have really been pointed to first, and that is that these kids were woefully unprepared to be out in the world alone. Normally I wouldn’t touch this with a 10 foot pole, but I feel like I have to address this. I’m hoping others will learn from this and it will happen to fewer of our children!  “I didn’t know!” is causing a world of hurt for some of our children.  My prayers are with the families involved.

Just to get a few things out of the way. I know kids who’ve gone there, and I’ve met faculty there, but so far, my kids have not chosen to go Christendom. While I adopt some of the Christendom policies in my own home, I don’t employ many others. I’m really middle of the road here. No horse in the race. I just feel that a school that churns out or fosters some amazing Catholic young adults deserves a little better than lame connections.  Do the authors really feel rapes don’t occur in droves on campuses with permissive codes of conduct?  Please.

Now, on to what I see as the big problem: parents relying on others to be the primary educators of their children. Yes, some parents are going to get rebellious, jerk children no matter how hard they try and others will have hopelessly naïve kids no matter how hard they try. We are in a battle against satan for our childrens’ souls, and sometimes we lose. That said, when you have girls who are saying they didn’t know what rape was, there is a problem. I’m sure Christendom isn’t isolated in this respect. 

In my house, my kids are given a myriad of weapons when they start going out in the world, or the “fake world” of college. I don’t care where they’re going, there’s really no place immune from sin. “Don’t be a victim!” is my rally cry. It’s ridiculous to think that my parenting skills are better than others simply because my kids know what rape is and my sons of conscious age know I would beat them if they ever treated a woman with disrespect much less physically attacked one.  All kids should know this, at the very least before they leave home but far earlier these days.  The fact that these kids didn’t is the real problem I noticed in these articles.

Yes, I also live in the homeschool world. I know there are naïve parents.  I know there are parents who don’t talk to their kids. I know parents who try to keep their kids from ever knowing about “the outside world.” I know parents who are in denial, and I know parents who are just plain bad examples while claiming to be paragons of virtue. Hypocrisy is a soul killer. We all do it to some degree, but some do it a lot more. To blame this problem on Christendom’s strict codes is just silly. Where did the rapists come from? Where did the completely naïve and uneducated girls come from? Saying that if Christendom allowed boys into the girls’ dorms and vice-versa, or that if they just allowed a little more PDA on campus, that rapes wouldn’t occur is every bit as naïve as the parents who sends their kids to a college like that and think, “Nothing bad could ever happen there!”

I was working with a group of teens once. All had been homeschooled at some point and some had gone on to traditional schools. We asked them what they thought of homeschooling. Good? Bad? Mixture? The most compelling response was that they thought they learned a lot in the homeschool environment about faith and morals, but that they were so insulated it made it hard to adjust when they got into the “traditional” environment. They felt unprepared, and I couldn’t agree more. This is one of the reasons teaching your kids to live in the world but not be of the world is so important.

So, what does this mean for us parents trying to instill virtue in our kids? It goes without saying that we must pray unceasingly for the souls of our children. That said, we can’t teach them how to combat evil and try to hide the fact that evil exists at the same time. We have to have the uncomfortable talks REPEATEDLY! When people say, “I can’t keep lecturing my kids!” I ask, “Why not?” Are your kids gonna like it? Probably not, but you’ve got to try your best to get it through their heads that you actually have a responsibility before God to keep talking. God isn’t going to hold you responsible for your kids’ actions in life unless their actions are a result of your failure to TRY and teach them.  Notice the emphasis on try.  Remember, we are battling satan daily. As I said, we’re going to lose sometimes, but we need to wholeheartedly try. I’ve found a good way to show them evil is to have them fight it at the same time. Some sort of activism works wonders. For us, it’s in the abortion arena (which sadly covers many other arenas as well). For others, it may be something like directly combating the rape culture. Please understand, I’m not saying, for instance, show them porn to demonstrate that porn exists. Instead, talk about what it is, what the church teaches about it, and the real-world devastation from it. There are even some pop-culture icons talking about it these days. While I’m always shocked and dismayed my kids don’t hang on my every word, I have found it useful to show how some clearly secular people have realized many of the tragedies of the day are devastating even their own lives. You’ve got Ashton Kutcher battling human trafficking and prostitution by association (Wait!  Is he considered old now?!), Joseph Gordon-Levitt and Russell Brand talking about porn addiction, a myriad of stars talking drug addiction, and a few are even talking about the devastation caused in their lives by abortion. Yes, few of them embrace Catholicism, but use them as examples anyway.

Can we be angry at how Christendom handled the aftermath?  Maybe.  I really can’t say but here is their response to the articles.  There might have been some mistakes, because who handles it well the first time they face devastating situations like these? However, I’m not sure of the legal responsibility or if anything can be done so long after the fact. It does seem to me if you’re going to have strict rules, you might also want to have strict punishments. If you’ve agreed that there was some sort of harassment and you have witnesses for that, boot those kids’ butts out of the school. And for heaven’s sake, try to find teachers who aren’t off partying with the students! As shown by the school’s response to the articles, however, there is a bit of contradiction, so I’m not totally sure we’ll ever have a clear picture.

I also can’t say what happened years ago compared to today’s Christendom. I’ve talked to some of the students there recently and they seem to get a lot of “real world” speakers these days. That said, it’s really not the school’s duty to prepare our children for the “real world.”  That’s our job. If your child leaves your house without knowing that the backseat of a car on an isolated road in the forest isn’t exactly the environment that’s going to foster morality, that’s on you, not the school your kid goes to, no matter where it may be. Talk to your kids, people! Your sons should know rape, fornication, porn, etc., etc., etc., are not OK. And not to beat up on the boys, same for girls. HUGE porn problem amongst our Catholic ladies. Please note – nowhere did I blame the victim. Just thought I’d throw that out there because I’m sure someone will throw out that accusation.  

And to those parents who do everything they can, again, don’t beat yourself up when your kids blow it.  We have a formidable foe. Just keep trying. Pivot, adjust, just don’t give up. Your kids might listen to satan today, but they might just listen to you tomorrow.

***Before anyone corrects my grammar, lower case “satan” was purposeful.  I refuse to even offer him the dignity of a capital letter.  All other grammar errors are just me.